


Movie Marathons Do More Harm Than Good Sometimes

by Illusinia



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Disney - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Disney References, Gen, Hydra Grant Ward, Kinda, Ward isn't really bad., it's crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 15:23:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4671608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illusinia/pseuds/Illusinia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skye is never doing a Disney Marathon with Simmons again.</p><p>Warning: This is crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Movie Marathons Do More Harm Than Good Sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> This. Is. Crack.
> 
> I'm currently very stressed out due to impending testing and rapidly approaching deadlines. I apologize now for any mental damage this fic does.

The office doors opened with a loud creak, the ominous Hydra seal splitting as the massive wooden barrier broke in half. Inside, through the growing crack, she could see Ward sitting at a massive mahogany desk, head bent over whatever devious paperwork was spread before him. Heavy six o'clock shadow colored his jaw, his hair cut close to his head in a way she'd never seen. The rugged appearance, it worked on him. She would admit that, even if just the sight of him made her stomach twist. If it was the knowledge of what he'd done to them, the knowledge of what she'd done to him, or some combination of their past and present interactions, she couldn't be sure. It was definitely making her stomach twist in an unpleasant way though, whatever the cause.

 

“Skye, come in,” greeted Ward, not even bothering to look up from his paperwork. Unceremoniously, Skye found herself shoved into the room from behind, the doors not even completely open, though she cleared the gap without issue. “Please, take a seat. I'll be with you in a moment.” Flipping the page in front of him, he added: “You'll understand if I insist on taking your weapons, of course. After what happened last time and all.”

 

She opened her mouth to challenge him, to object, when suddenly a deer stepped forward out of nowhere. A literal deer. The type that normally would have been found in the woods; it was actually a nearly spitting image for Bambi's dad, with massive antlers and a regal gait. Wait, could deer have regal gaits?

 

Before she could mentally answer that question, the deer suddenly leaned it's head forward, snagging her gun with it's mouth and trotting away towards Ward's desk. The deer deposited the firearm there before stepping back off into the shadow of the room to stand silently. Skye was still trying to deal with the fact her gun had just been collected _by a deer_ , when a tugging at her ankles caught her attention.

 

Two rabbits sat at her feet, pushing her pant legs up and retrieving the knife and secondary gun strapped at her ankles before she could really register what was happening. They hopped away with the weapons, disappearing to a corner of the room where a safe rested. There, the rabbit with her knife passed the weapon to it's counterpart before opening the safe with apparently practiced ease. The second rabbit tucked both weapons inside, pausing by the open door as a bird suddenly swooped in and collected the gun from Ward's desk, stashing it in the safe as well.

 

Okay. What the hell was going on. Did Ward forget to close his window or something? Did he rob a zoo?

 

“What's up with the woodland creatures Ward?” asked Skye at last, managing to force the words out around her surprise. “Did you run out of recruits?”

 

“Actually, I find them more palatable than people,” remarked Ward, finally abandoning his papers to look up at Skye, though he remained sitting down. “Please, have a seat Skye. I had coffee made; I know how much you like it.” Almost as soon as Ward mentioned coffee, a skunk appeared suddenly, balancing a try on it's back with apparent ease carrying coffee and cups. “Also, if you'd be so kind, there's a bowl of treats on the coffee table. If you could give Sally one, I'd be grateful.”

 

“Sally?” repeated Skye, raising an eyebrow even as she picked up one of the strange looking chewy things on the table.

 

“Sally, the one with your coffee,” replied Ward, gesturing to the skunk as he finally stood and stretched his arms above his head. “I try to take good care of the ones who work for me.”

 

“Uh,” started Skye, sputtering when the skunk (Sally apparently) scratched lightly at her leg and made an unhappy noise.

 

“She wants you to take the coffee,” clarified Ward, fishing something out of his desk before he stepped around it. He offered one hand to the deer and Skye realized after a moment that he had a handful of pellets. He set the pellets on his desk after a moment, kneeling to set a second pile on a small dish on the floor. The rabbits hopped over immediately, nibbling at the pellets happily as Ward sauntered over to her.

 

He paused as he reached the table, kneeling to relieve the skunk of her tray before offering the animal a treat from the bowl. “Still bad at following directions, huh Skye?”

 

“I'm sorry, I'm kinda in shock her,” sniped Skye slightly, her natural snark coming to the surface in an attempt to hide how off-balance she was. “I didn't except to find Cinderella running Hydra.”

 

Ward snorted slightly, glancing sideways at Skye with a raised eyebrow. “Would you prefer the Madd Hatter? I'm pretty sure I can find a hat.” As if on cue, a pair of birds suddenly flew out of nowhere and dropped a very off-kilter top hat directly on Ward's head.

 

“Birds now?” asked Skye, finally fed up with this whole charade. “Okay Ward, seriously, what the hell is going on? Is Bambi going to come sauntering out of the closet or something?”

 

“Why on Earth would I be in the closet Skye?” asked a voice that sounded markedly like Simmons suddenly broke out behind her. Skye spun, expecting to find the scientist to be right behind her only to come face to face with a young deer that looked exactly like Bambi. Except there was a monkey on this deer's back, tilting his head a Skye.

 

“Yes Skye, why would she be in the closet?” asked the monkey in a markedly Fitz-like voice. He furrowed his brow slightly, as if he couldn't fully understand what Skye was suggesting. “The closet is no place for a deer. She could hardly fit in there.”

 

“Fitz?” asked Skye in complete surprise. What the hell were Fitz and Simmons doing in Ward's office. And why were they animals?

 

“Abu, actually,” corrected Ward, drawing Skye's attention back to him. Except now he was dressed in a formal suit and jacket, complete with a large poke-a-dot bow tie that looked absolutely ridiculous on him. The suit was dark and he'd retrieved one of the cups of coffee, sipping at it in a way that looked so dainty as to be ridiculous for him. “Bambi and Abu are best friends, they head up my science division.”

 

“Right....” muttered Skye, shaking her head slightly as she glanced back at the Fitz and Simmons audio dopplegangers. “So who heads up your security? A dog?”

 

“Actually, that would be-”

 

Ward was cut off suddenly as the door to his office was pushed open, freaking  _Mulan_ walking through a moment later. Except when she spoke, the woman sounded just like May. “Sir, Hercules is here to see you.”

 

“Mulan, please meet Skye,” introduced Ward without missing a beat. Turning back to Skye, he gestured politely towards Mulan. “Mulan is my head of security. She's very talented. Repelled the Hun army once almost single-handedly.”

 

“I used both hands Sir,” corrected Mulan in her May voice. “And a dragon rocket.”

 

“Right,” laughed Ward slightly, offering her a slightly off-kilter grin. “My mistake. Please, send Hercules in.”

 

Mulan simply stepped aside, allowing the Greek demi-god to enter the room with a massive grin. “Hatter! It's good to see you!”

 

Why Skye was shocked that Hercules' voice sounded like Coulson's she wasn't sure. It shouldn't have been a shock at this point. Why would it be a shock? Everyone else was apparently Disney characters and she  _really needed to get out of there before she lost her mind._

 

“And who is this lovely young lady?” asked Coulson-Hercules, turning to Skye with a tilt of her head.

 

“This is Esmeralda,” introduced Ward, gesturing to Skye. “She's going to be heading up IT.”

 

Skye opened her mouth to object, to stated that  _no, she absolutely was not going to be heading up IT and her name was NOT Esmeralda_ , when a curl of her hair fell across her face. Followed by the jingling of bells. And when Skye looked down, she realized she  _dressed like freaking Esmeralda_ .

 

“What the hell is going on?!” shouted Skye suddenly, eyes turning onto Ward in confusion.

 

He didn't respond though, simply picked up a packet from his desk and passed it to Skye. “We were about to start your orientation. Welcome to Hydra.”

 

\--------------------------------------- 

 

Skye shot up like a rocket, her heart hammering as she rapidly glanced around her room. Everything looked normal. Glancing down, she confirmed she was in her normal sleep wear. She was just asleep. It had been a dream.

 

Groaning, Skye flopped back on her bed an grabbed her phone, shooting off a text to Simmons despite the fact that it was 2:30 in the morning.  _[I am never doing a Disney Marathon with you while conducting surveillance again.]_


End file.
